Wednesday, December 19, 2007 by ShawnieMac
Today is the last treatment, for a while. At least a month. I've been keeping on keeping on.Working,walking,doing, being...
Last night before I fell asleep, I cried. It's been happening too frequently lately, and I just realized I was scared. Scared of the unknown, scared of what they will find when they go in for surgery, scared that I’m not done with the treatments, scared that each tiny cough or ache or bloat (that DAMNED bloat) means something other than an annoying side effect, scared that I will never get my body or my looks back, and scared that if I get hit by a car tomorrow, I’ll go out like THIS…
What a mess.
"Hey pal,I'm not going to let you go through life scared all the time..."
And then I was reminded that I can’t be scared all my life. I know that I knew that, but for some reason I've been letting it get to me emotionally lately. And the thing is, I can’t let this win. I can't let it take over because whether or not it may affect every aspect of my life right now, it's such a small part of who I am.
Yeah, her. Remember her? The person that stood atop Mt.Whitney on August 10. The person that people did news stories about because she could be an inspiration to others.The person that walked 60 miles after over three months of weekly chemo. The person that continues to go to work each day and walk with her dogs each morning, and tell her husband how much she loves him every night. Her. The person that got lost in the fog the last couple of weeks from time to time. Remember her? The one that wakes up in the middle of the night and seeing that she still has hours before the alarm goes off, lets out an audible "YAY!" before snuggling back in. The one that lays in bed listening to Vince Guaraldi's Charlie Brown Christmas on Sunday morning, dancing and smiling. The one that's going to kick the shit out of anything that dares invade her body and dampen her spirit.
I can’t continue to read until I can’t read anymore about the stories and the ‘might be situations’. I can’t lose my focus on the fact that SOMETHING has been working - whatver the heck that means - and even with all the little annoyances that seem insurmountable at times, at the end of the day, I still feel pretty damn good. At least I do today.
I sniffled a few times, dried my tears and said, "I'll feel better tomorrow."
And I went to bed determined to feel better emotionally today. And I do. And I will. And I will continue to.
Before that, I softly whispered, "I made it." I know I have so much more more work ahead of me, and I know I have so many unknowns to deal with, but I can see that 13 mile mark, finally. I’ve GOT this. And I'm not (really) ashamed to say that I'm ready for a break.
But I've GOT this.
I’m still going to win, you know.
But you already knew that…
Last night before I fell asleep, I cried. It's been happening too frequently lately, and I just realized I was scared. Scared of the unknown, scared of what they will find when they go in for surgery, scared that I’m not done with the treatments, scared that each tiny cough or ache or bloat (that DAMNED bloat) means something other than an annoying side effect, scared that I will never get my body or my looks back, and scared that if I get hit by a car tomorrow, I’ll go out like THIS…
What a mess.
"Hey pal,I'm not going to let you go through life scared all the time..."
And then I was reminded that I can’t be scared all my life. I know that I knew that, but for some reason I've been letting it get to me emotionally lately. And the thing is, I can’t let this win. I can't let it take over because whether or not it may affect every aspect of my life right now, it's such a small part of who I am.
Yeah, her. Remember her? The person that stood atop Mt.Whitney on August 10. The person that people did news stories about because she could be an inspiration to others.The person that walked 60 miles after over three months of weekly chemo. The person that continues to go to work each day and walk with her dogs each morning, and tell her husband how much she loves him every night. Her. The person that got lost in the fog the last couple of weeks from time to time. Remember her? The one that wakes up in the middle of the night and seeing that she still has hours before the alarm goes off, lets out an audible "YAY!" before snuggling back in. The one that lays in bed listening to Vince Guaraldi's Charlie Brown Christmas on Sunday morning, dancing and smiling. The one that's going to kick the shit out of anything that dares invade her body and dampen her spirit.
I can’t continue to read until I can’t read anymore about the stories and the ‘might be situations’. I can’t lose my focus on the fact that SOMETHING has been working - whatver the heck that means - and even with all the little annoyances that seem insurmountable at times, at the end of the day, I still feel pretty damn good. At least I do today.
I sniffled a few times, dried my tears and said, "I'll feel better tomorrow."
And I went to bed determined to feel better emotionally today. And I do. And I will. And I will continue to.
Before that, I softly whispered, "I made it." I know I have so much more more work ahead of me, and I know I have so many unknowns to deal with, but I can see that 13 mile mark, finally. I’ve GOT this. And I'm not (really) ashamed to say that I'm ready for a break.
But I've GOT this.
I’m still going to win, you know.
But you already knew that…
love you voo