If I had any ovaries, I'd blame it on hormones...

Overdue. I'm long overdue for an outpouring of thoughts, most of them amazed at the wonder of life around me. Right now? I needed a break from work to try and digest what just happened.

I missed a cell phone call from Dr. B, the pulmonologist. A mystery spot in the lung showed up on a scan a few years back, and we'd been following it closely with PET scans every six months. My last one was in April, which came back clean, and I was due for one in October. We all know what happened between then and now...

The nurse had called me because they regularly go through the charts and noticed I was long overdue, and wanted to make sure I was keeping up with the scans, or needed to be seen. I called back, and had to explain that I had, indeed, had a PET scan since April. Two, in fact. And twenty weeks of chemo, one biopsy, one surgery, two MUGA scans, a venous doppler, three chest x-rays, countless blood draws, and by the way, please change my name on the records since I got married last April. And oh, the lung spot isn't even showing up anymore. It's everything else that's the problem. But thank you for checking in on me, I really do appreciate it. Please tell Dr. B to call if she has any questions. Then I hung up the phone. And I lost it.

If I had any ovaries, I'd blame it on hormones...

I don't know why I cried, or perhaps, I was just due. Maybe it was the fact that I was reminded of my last clean PET scan right before everything turned upside down. Perhaps I know that the next one is coming up, and I find myself praying that it will be clean, and knowing that it may not. The shower has become quite the prayer sanctuary, it seems.

Right now? I feel as good as I've ever felt and I'm not going to talk about the fact that I'm scared to death of that ending.

Meanwhile, I still have all sorts of things that deserve air time including Grand Canyon hikes, walks on the rim, eyelashes, the fact that shaving has lost its allure, bed head in the mornings, loving like I never knew I was capable, and baseball season.

Breathe in, breathe out. Live.


    On March 18, 2008 at 7:19 PM Lisa said...

    I so totally get it Jen......and beautifully expressed!

    Love you :)

    I have ovaries, and I do blame hormones, and I'm glad you finally posted and came up for air because it has been TOO LONG TOO LONG TOO LONG.

    : )

    On March 25, 2008 at 9:22 AM Shauna said...

    Your ovaries were removed, not your soul, as is evident in your writing. :)