It's HOT.
Thursday, July 3, 2008 by ShawnieMac
It's been a long time between blog-worthy thoughts and entries. It's been a long time between miscellaneous rambling musings or revelations. At least I have been enjoying this "nice lady" status. The unfortunate part is, if not for cancer, I apparently don't have much to say. But that's not true now, is it...
Last time I thought to write, I was SO ready for the long weekend. Ironic, since we just got back from 'vacation' early last week, but I think we needed a couple of days to recoup as the beginning part of it was planes, trains, and automobiles of sorts. All in all, it was very good though - even though I had a bit of day-after-Christmas feeling after I got back here after seeing a couple of my best friends for the first time in entirely too long. I just missed them - even more so after seeing them. We had a good time though - full of baseball and subways and food and walking and being tourists and checking out rooftop bars and seeing family. It was nice. Chaotic, but nice. And, nice to be back home in Phoenix in our house with those silly dogs, actually.
Except, it's hot. I know it's coming every year, but still, it's hot.
It was a great 4th of July weekend. A really, really nice weekend full of friends and relaxing and sushi and drinks and gelato and alone time and appreciating and living and... yeah. It was pretty great. Dare I say that I sometimes even 'forget' what I'm dealing with on a daily basis? I suppose I'm not dealing with it on a daily basis any longer though - at least not right now. For as long as it lasts.
I got into a conversation a couple of weeks ago in reaction to a question posed: "Does anyone really ever wake up completely happy?"
Every day? No way.
EVER? Yes.
Yeah, I can say with conviction that there are times when I have woken up completely happy. The argument might be made that as long as Stage IV cancer is on my rap sheet it might seem impossible. The thing is, I'm not sure whether I've been able to experience those moments of complete happiness in spite of the cancer, or because of it. Perhaps since I look at the world through these eyes, I am able to let things go more easily, or appreciate things more, or allow myself the opportunity to be completely happy, as it is. It's the strangest times that I get these feelings, too - most often in the quiet moments right after waking up - the mornings without the alarm, of course. It's always early, the sun is usually just starting to rise, and I find myself wrapped up in the arms of the person I am supposed to be with and it's a very overwhelming feeling. I know that one person's happiness is not contingent upon the other at their side, but it's such an enormous thing to come from a place wondering if there could possibly be anyone out there that one is simply 'supposed to meet' and having the courage and the faith not to let that opportunity pass me by when I had it. I get reflective at times, about the mistakes I've made and things I would have done differently. Every now and then I get disappointed in myself for wasting so much time now that I have found myself faced with the potential of mortality. Sliding doors is all it is, and anyone can Monday-morning quarterback - it's simply a waste of time. I tend to fall back on the belief that there is very little coincedence and that I have to be thankful about that leap of faith because as a whole the result is even greater than I had imagined it would be.
Next step? Eye surgery - thanks to chemo resulting in the lovely side effect of blocked tear ducts. The fun never seems to stop. I have kept my pre-surgery anxiety in check. The EKG is done, the clearance is signed, the bloodwork is done, and the prescriptions have been delivered to Walgreens. A few reminders of faith and reassurance, coupled with a weekend of camping on the Mogollon Rim and perhaps one of those completely happy mornings should get me through until next Monday breathing easily. By this time next week, hopefully my eyes won't be dripping any longer.
Another damn surgery. (Deep breath)
Today? I'm thankful for small favors like not having to spend this coming Sunday night on the crapper with the pre-surgery cleanse.
And that I look forward to coming home at the end of each day.
And for dogs with soft ears.
And baseball season.
And for him ----> most of all.
Last time I thought to write, I was SO ready for the long weekend. Ironic, since we just got back from 'vacation' early last week, but I think we needed a couple of days to recoup as the beginning part of it was planes, trains, and automobiles of sorts. All in all, it was very good though - even though I had a bit of day-after-Christmas feeling after I got back here after seeing a couple of my best friends for the first time in entirely too long. I just missed them - even more so after seeing them. We had a good time though - full of baseball and subways and food and walking and being tourists and checking out rooftop bars and seeing family. It was nice. Chaotic, but nice. And, nice to be back home in Phoenix in our house with those silly dogs, actually.
Except, it's hot. I know it's coming every year, but still, it's hot.
It was a great 4th of July weekend. A really, really nice weekend full of friends and relaxing and sushi and drinks and gelato and alone time and appreciating and living and... yeah. It was pretty great. Dare I say that I sometimes even 'forget' what I'm dealing with on a daily basis? I suppose I'm not dealing with it on a daily basis any longer though - at least not right now. For as long as it lasts.
I got into a conversation a couple of weeks ago in reaction to a question posed: "Does anyone really ever wake up completely happy?"
Every day? No way.
EVER? Yes.
Yeah, I can say with conviction that there are times when I have woken up completely happy. The argument might be made that as long as Stage IV cancer is on my rap sheet it might seem impossible. The thing is, I'm not sure whether I've been able to experience those moments of complete happiness in spite of the cancer, or because of it. Perhaps since I look at the world through these eyes, I am able to let things go more easily, or appreciate things more, or allow myself the opportunity to be completely happy, as it is. It's the strangest times that I get these feelings, too - most often in the quiet moments right after waking up - the mornings without the alarm, of course. It's always early, the sun is usually just starting to rise, and I find myself wrapped up in the arms of the person I am supposed to be with and it's a very overwhelming feeling. I know that one person's happiness is not contingent upon the other at their side, but it's such an enormous thing to come from a place wondering if there could possibly be anyone out there that one is simply 'supposed to meet' and having the courage and the faith not to let that opportunity pass me by when I had it. I get reflective at times, about the mistakes I've made and things I would have done differently. Every now and then I get disappointed in myself for wasting so much time now that I have found myself faced with the potential of mortality. Sliding doors is all it is, and anyone can Monday-morning quarterback - it's simply a waste of time. I tend to fall back on the belief that there is very little coincedence and that I have to be thankful about that leap of faith because as a whole the result is even greater than I had imagined it would be.
Next step? Eye surgery - thanks to chemo resulting in the lovely side effect of blocked tear ducts. The fun never seems to stop. I have kept my pre-surgery anxiety in check. The EKG is done, the clearance is signed, the bloodwork is done, and the prescriptions have been delivered to Walgreens. A few reminders of faith and reassurance, coupled with a weekend of camping on the Mogollon Rim and perhaps one of those completely happy mornings should get me through until next Monday breathing easily. By this time next week, hopefully my eyes won't be dripping any longer.
Another damn surgery. (Deep breath)
Today? I'm thankful for small favors like not having to spend this coming Sunday night on the crapper with the pre-surgery cleanse.
And that I look forward to coming home at the end of each day.
And for dogs with soft ears.
And baseball season.
And for him ----> most of all.
Hi hi hi hi hi. I was so happy to hear from you and to be reminded of this blog so I can catch up on your life. I was really missing you. And I've been running a lot. A big goal of mine was to finally run a 5k which I did (Revlon Run-Walk). When I was training and still when I run (now that I can easily bang out 3-4 miles) I often think of you because you were always a role model to me for that. And, of course, what you are going through. So yeah, I've been thinking of you a lot. And also wondering if somehow I could ever get to Phoenix and meet you. It is Phoenix right? Or did I just make that up? I really hope that you are doing well and feeling good. So much love coming your way. xoxo