What a difference a week makes...

I went for my follow up visit with Dr. Eye yesterday, and as I was walking through her offices, I had vague recollections of being there the week before. It wasn't after I was ushered out of the first exam room and into the second that I remembered being in two separate exam rooms last week. I do remember nearly walking out without my purse though...

The eyes seem to be healing up well, she says, and I've been cleared for any activities I was restricted from (whatever they may be). All in all, it was probably the least physically painful, yet most unnerving surgery I've experienced in the past year. Strange, isn't it? I still don't know if I just had a weird reaction to the anaesthesia, but I just didn't love the whole experience. Ah, well. It's over now.

I had a little flash this morning of feeling... I don't know... a bit off. I wouldn't call it feeling sorry for myself, because I really don't have time for that - just the "very small girl in a very big world" feeling, perhaps. It comes on suddenly, and it happens every few months. Thankfully, it typically dissipates quickly after the onset. I find myself lost in thought sometimes on the desert walks in the morning - composing thoughts or visions in my mind. By the time I usually get the time and the motivation to attempt to put thoughts into words, most of my vision has left the building.

I realize I think too much sometimes, and at this time of year, I typically have these bouts of wondering if there must be something more out there. Something I can love, yet make a living at while doing so. Not that I don't like the company I work for - they are incredible people, actually, and I realize how unusually fortunate I am to have found myself in a situation like this. Or should I say, to have made the choices that have resulted in this career path. Yet, the truth of the matter is, I'm not interested right now. That's not to say I won't still keep on keeping on, and doing what I have to do - but my general feeling right now about the line of work I'm in is a resounding "Meh." So it goes. I have a feeling it is directly related in certain ways to the Phoenix summers and the stifling heat that results in my mind searching for a way to head up north to cooler climes. It's oppressive at times, but as we observed this morning, the days are getting shorter - if only by minutes - and shorter days means that we are inching closer to the beautiful weather of the Arizona fall and winter. It kicks up this restless spirit in me though - the urge to go, see, do, plan... or at least dream. Dream of places to explore and experiences to have. Mountains to climb and life-list accomplishments to check off. Dreams that may never come to fruition. Then again... maybe they will.

When I opened up my email this morning, I noticed an interesting subject in the MedTrackAlert newsletter that shows up in my inbox periodically. Apparently, some researchers from Tufts-New England Medical Center in Boston did a study showing that writing may ease cancer pain. Who knew? I've never been in much true "pain", per se, but this study found that "patients who were open about their emotions showed less pain and greater well-being over time than the rest of the study subjects." Guess I'd better stick around here a bit longer, or a least make more of an effort to continue writing.

I can't help but laugh about the fortuitous timing of this article - particularly when I happen to question myself this morning if the only way I could make an impact in the world was through something that had to do with cancer. Whether that is the case or not, and having the luxury of being in control of but a limited number of factors in relation to my general well-being, I think I had better continue avoiding meat and writing whenever possible. Easier said than done, at times.

Easier said than done when I'm feeling emotions that would be helpful to get out of my head and into words, but that usually encompass those emotions that I don't want others to know. The feelings of insecurity and of doubt. Of questioning and of not wanting to be a burden. Of looking at the world through foreign eyes, and realizing that cancer or no cancer - I can't change the world, and that I shouldn't want to because it's too heavy of a burden to bear, or a challenge to take on. About having faith in myself which will allow me to have faith in the world around me, in others, and in a spiritual entity.

But at the end of the day, if I close my eyes and empty myself of the silly things that I allow to filter in, I know that I must believe what I know in my heart to be true - on all fronts - and that I must continue to live and love and hope and dream as I have for the past year and live my dash for all it's worth.

We got into an interesting conversation about religion and God this past weekend with the most unlikely of people. Apparently, this is an underlying theme in my thoughts these days. During this conversation I, as always, stood by my belief that I simply can't comprehend the notion that there is but ONE single path to heaven, or whatever lies ahead of us after this earthly life has reached its end. One concept from that discussion stood out with regards to the fact that the underlying tenets involved are faith, hope, and love. Once we (individually) get to heaven, or whatever place comes next, we'll have no need faith or hope anymore - because those were practices and concepts that got us to the after-worldly place - and what remains, is love. With that, it is only if we learn how to love and be loved while on this earth that we will get to where we are going - after. It was an interesting concept to digest, and although there may or may not have been a different meaning behind the message, I feel that I chose to ponder this particular thought in my own context. I think it's something I've struggled to learn over time and at this point, have made some progress with. I also think it's something that will always be somewhat of a work in progress. Then again, maybe that's the point of it all - it's supposed to be.

It has been nearly a year since I laced up these gloves. They're still on tightly...


    what a great post in terms of timing for me.

    i've been working so hard lately, trying to raise money for others, trying to do good things for other people, and it's been so difficult for me emotionally. feeling unnoticed, unappreciated. that everything i've been doing and what I'm striving for is just taken for granted.

    but today I received this watch from the local Komen foundation. For being a team captain on the walk.

    and it kinda made me feel good for a little while. a little less pessimistic.

    as did your post. both things I've needed today. definitely