Sometimes

Oh, it's a strange existence sometimes...

Sometimes, I simply forget. Sometimes I get caught up in time, or it's one of those days that perfect moment when I wake up, right before I open my eyes and nothing can touch me. Sometimes I'm laughing and I don't remember. Sometimes.

Sometimes when I forget, I have to pee (which are typically mutually exclusive). But it means I look in the mirror. And immediately remember. I remember that I can't 'pardon this interruption' any longer and the rest of my life is going to be peppered with scans and results and spending time in The Waiting Place. Then again, I'll wait and scan and hope and live for as long as I possibly can...

But sometimes I remember. And at those times, I work hard at not getting lost in the limbo. I'm not sick, but I'm not well (this is pneumonia-related, not necessarily cancer-related). I'm not hideous, but I sure as hell ain't anything close to pretty these days. It's such a trivial thing, but it really screws with the psyche at times to look in the mirror and not recognize the person looking back at you. It's such a small thing - as I'd trade a lifetime of baldness for just that... a LIFETIME... but in the meanwhile? Enough with the bald already. I know I went through this with the chemo, too, and I know it will pass. It WILL pass. (Do you hear that???)

I was looking back at some old entries from a year ago today. Simple curiosity as to where I was last year at this time. I found one from 2/18 where Jill left a comment that said "strong heart, bare head" in relation to my most recent MUGA scan. It made me laugh. Laughter is always welcome. This year? Bald as an egg, still.

Meh, whatever. Life is good and hair will grow (we hope)
Meanwhile, I just need to continue to laugh as often as possible...

4 comments:

    On February 23, 2009 at 3:17 PM Anonymous said...

    Hi.

    laughing is very good. we need to do it more often.

    I miss you voo.

    xx's to the oo's

    On February 25, 2009 at 12:01 PM Anonymous said...

    … a most useless place.
    The Waiting Place…
    …for people just waiting.
    Waiting for a train to go
    or a bus to come, or a plane to go
    or the mail to come, or the rain to go
    or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow
    or waiting around for a Yes or a No
    or waiting for their hair to grow.
    Everyone is just waiting.
    Waiting for the fish to bite
    or waiting for wind to fly a kite
    or waiting around for Friday night
    or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake
    or a pot to boil, or a Better Break
    or a sting of pearls, or a pair of pants
    or a wig with curls, or Another Chance.
    Everyone is just waiting.
    NO!.......
    .....So be sure when you step.
    Step with care and great tact
    and remember that Life’s
    a Great Balancing Act.
    Just never forget to be dexterous and deft.
    And never mix up your right foot with your left.
    And will you succeed?
    Yes! You will, indeed!
    (98 and 3/4 percent guaranteed.)
    KID, YOU’LL MOVE MOUNTAINS!
    So…
    be your name Buxbaum or Bixby or Bray or Mordecai Ali Van Allen O’Shea, you’re off to Great Places!
    Today is your day!
    Your mountain is waiting.
    So…get on your way!

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