Behind the Roadrunner

What I must remember is not to be laced so tightly that I forget to exhale and everything inside comes out with a WHOOOOOOOOOOOOSH when I finally do. It works so much better when I breathe in and breathe out on a regular basis. When I stop to turn my face to the sun, it reminds me of where I need to be headed. I have a Magnetic Poetry calendar hanging beside my desk at work and just yesterday, while waiting for the server to re-boot, I formed the following thought:

it is essential to imagine my future and live as if I always feel the sun

How incredibly appropriate, yet easily overlooked when not a conscious effort. Today, I reminded myself to look back on something I had written a few weeks ago regarding exhaling. I find I've fallen back into roadrunner mode at times and I must remember to take a breath and look at the sun. At the same time, I can't ever let myself hide behind the roadrunner to mask the fear. It's easy that way, but I've done so well so far, and need to continue to utilize what I learned the first time around and what most of the time, I know. LIVE.

I read an article in our local paper the other morning regarding a seminar helping cancer survivors get on with life. Thankfully, I was reminded of its existence this afternoon.

"There are a lot of emotional issues after treatment," says Jamie Sellar, program director at the Wellness Community in Phoenix and a counselor participating in the seminar. "There's stress, doubt, anxiety, fear, depression - regardless of whether the doctor is telling them that they're cancer-free. Every ache or pain, they wonder if the cancer has returned."

Well, DUH. On most given days. Sometimes, only sometimes, even the eternal optimist forgets. I suppose those are the times when I need to take two steps back and listen to... me. Ironic, isn't it? The seminar focuses on social and emotional support systems (check, check), exercise (check), finding joy (check), nutrition (check), and life beyond cancer (check - with the occasional hiccup). So, yeah. Here I am, thankful for the reminder that maybe, just maybe... most of the time, even when I feel like I am living TOO much as if I am not dealing with this, maybe, just maybe, I'm doing it right. Maybe.

It's much easier said than done, being mindful of and understanding what goes on in my head - which doesn't make sense, even to me sometimes - while at the same time accepting that these cancer-related fears exist and learning how to either express them or work through them.

Nobody said it was easy...

Shadow Race
Every time I've raced my shadow
When the sun was at my back,
It always ran ahead of me,
Always go the best of me.
But every time I've raced my shadow
When my face was toward the sun,
I won.

- Shel Silverstein, A Light in the Attic