Just another day...

I've realized lately that I simply don't seem to have much to write about these days. I wondered if I had become boring (which I guess everyone gets, sometimes) or if now that I'm riding the non-toxic wave, I just don't have much of interest to say. Maybe instead I'm busier living and breathing. Maybe I've managed to throw myself more into my work now that I don't feel like I've been run over every morning. Perhaps now that I'm not waiting for the next chemo, or an impending surgery, or some new scan results, and instead simply waiting for my hair to grow and some eyelashes to sprout, things aren't weighing quite as heavily on my mind.

Maybe, just maybe, it's just another day in the life. Holy crap, what an incredible feeling. It's simply another day. Another day without pain, another day without dread or fear, another day in another week that I don't have to go in for treatment. At least for now. Just another day. Another day to laugh, another day to eat something I probably shouldn't yet be able to savor and taste whatever it is I shouldn't be eating, and another day to peer in the mirror and search for some semblance of an eyelash. Another day to be thankful for, another day to wake up in the arms of the person I was absolutely supposed to meet, and another day to complain about the silly gray dog jumping up and climbing down and up and down and up and down from the bed all night. Another day to live, another day to learn, and another day to love. I know there will be times when I'll get caught up in the trivial many when I should be focusing on the vital few, but among the vital few is the fact that I'm not certain if any day is "just" another day anymore.

I know I look at things through different eyes sometimes. There are battles that aren't worth choosing, frustrations that aren't given energy, and annoyances that aren't worth paying any mind to. It's not easy, sometimes, but I know that this journey has affected the way I look at life and things around me. Even differently than the last time I fought this battle. Aside from the fact that I've had to fight harder in some ways this time around, I had so many advantages and tools at my disposal. I had so many people in my corner - sending prayers, offering strength, sharing love. I had the chance to use my Monday-morning quarterback lessons from last time. Particularly what did NOT work when dealing with and coping with the crap I was dealt. Among those lessons I learned, and actually opted to utilize this time, was the ability to let people in. Just another day feeling anything but alone.

What continues to be amazing to me is the fact that I see subtle ways in which my recurrence of cancer has profoundly affected the lives of others. Then again, especially in the one closest to me, I'm not sure how you can live as closely as you can to this and not have it profoundly affect your life. When complimented by others, I have heard my voice saying so many times, "I haven't done much more than simply show up." I suppose the thing is, simply showing up and managing to persevere, managing to push through the worst of the worst, managing to have a smile in spite of it all - to those on the outside, I suppose it's something huge. Then again, maybe it was.

Now, for however long a respite I have, whether 8 weeks, 8 years, or a lifetime, I'm going to do my damndest to wrap my arms around the world, no matter how fast it spins, and continue to hang on. Today? Just another day to be grateful for.

2 comments:

    Beautiful, beautiful Jen......beautiful post.

    And just another day indeed!

    another day to be greatful for.

    yes. : )

    so happy for you Jen.